I don’t do gifts. They’re impractical. Sentimental. A distraction.

But then there’s Selina Kyle.

She’s complicated. And against my better judgment, I gave her a string of pearls. Classic. Timeless. And yes—I made sure they were ethically sourced.

Now, tax season rolls around, and I start thinking:

Can I write this off as a business expense?

The IRS Has Rules on Gifts (Unfortunately, I Checked)

The IRS allows deductions for gifts, but they cap it at $25 per person.

• The pearls cost significantly more than $25.

• The IRS does not care that she’s a known jewel thief and would’ve stolen them anyway.

• Calling it a “crime prevention expense” is apparently not a valid argument.

Can I Classify This as a Business Expense?

Let’s say, hypothetically, Selina is an “independent contractor.”

• She assists in high-risk security testing (aka breaking into my vaults).

• She provides “consulting” on Gotham’s criminal underground.

• She’s… an ongoing negotiation risk management issue.

Under those terms, maybe the pearls count as a business incentive. A way to keep her from stealing something more expensive. But convincing the IRS that a gift to a master thief is a deductible security measure? Even I can’t pull that off.

What About a Charitable Deduction?

Technically, Selina is an unofficial philanthropist. She steals from the rich, redistributes wealth, and has an off-the-books cat sanctuary.

Could I classify the pearls as a charitable donation?

No. Even Alfred shut that one down.

Final Thoughts

The pearls aren’t deductible. The IRS wins this round.

But was it worth it? Probably.

Selina keeps me on my toes. She walks the line between right and wrong, just like I do. And if a set of pearls reminds her that someone’s always watching out for her—maybe it wasn’t such a bad investment after all.

Just don’t expect me to make a habit of this.