Gotham is a disaster. The Justice League is understaffed. And now, instead of stopping crime, I’m stuck dealing with retirement planning.

Why? Because apparently, no one else thought about it.

Superman assumed he’d “work forever.” Flash figured he’d “just keep running.” Green Lantern thought the Guardians had some kind of pension program (they don’t). And Wonder Woman? She’s immortal, so she just laughed.

But here’s the problem—not everyone in the League is invincible, and we can’t fight crime forever. Which means we need a real retirement plan. And because I’m the only one who thinks ahead, I’m handling it.

Step 1: Setting Up a 401(k) Plan

• A traditional pension? Too expensive.

• A Justice League slush fund? Too risky.

• A 401(k) plan? The only practical option.

Here’s how it works:

• Every member contributes a percentage of their League earnings (yes, we get paid—sponsorship deals, government contracts, Wayne Enterprises subsidies).

• The League matches contributions up to a certain percentage—because even heroes need incentives.

• Funds are invested in a mix of stocks, bonds, and not whatever crypto scheme Green Arrow is into this week.

Step 2: Individual Retirement Accounts (IRAs)

For those who want more flexibility:

• Traditional IRA – Contributions are tax-deductible now, taxed later.

• Roth IRA – Pay taxes now, withdraw tax-free later.

• Superhero IRA – Not a real thing, but I should start one just to force everyone to contribute.

Step 3: Disability & Survivor Benefits

• If a member gets injured? They still get payouts.

• If someone disappears into the Speed Force? Their dependents don’t get left behind.

• If Martian Manhunter shapeshifts into a tax-exempt entity? We sort that out later.

Step 4: Forced Participation (Because No One Listens)

The League isn’t great at long-term financial planning. So I’m making participation mandatory.

• Superman can’t opt out just because he “doesn’t need money.”

• Aquaman can’t demand League funds be invested in Atlantis’ economy.

• Flash needs an automatic deduction—otherwise, he’ll spend everything on energy bars.

Final Thoughts

I fight crime. I manage a corporation. I shouldn’t have to be the League’s financial advisor. But if I don’t do it, no one will.

So now we have a retirement plan. Because one day, even superheroes have to hang up the cape. And when that day comes, I refuse to let the Justice League end up relying on Social Security.